Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Cutsey Catholicism, Let's Be Friends!, And All That

One thing I never thought I'd have to think about if I were to be a mostly orthodox, practicing Catholic was which company or Etsy store has the cutest diaper covers. Or which local parish has the most members attending the Catholic Moms' bunko party (which means, of course, that's the most fun Catholic parish around). Or which super-enriching Catholic women's program also includes a wine and cheese social afterwards that you do not want to miss!

But if you looked at one or two local internet Catholic forums of Catholic women, you'd think that's what it's all about. Or at least a big chunk of it, alongside questions about which internet site has the best selection of Catholic storybooks.

I admit I am often (repeat often) annoyed or amused by this brand of good-Catholic-mommy stuff.

I know that part of my annoyance is simply because of  my age, which is now approaching mid-40's. I mean, there comes a time when you just have your circle of good friends, Catholic or not, and you're content and satisfied with what you have. Usually that contentedness comes with the passing of time, long after the initial or prolonged struggle with the disillusionment of staying home with young children. Contentment does come, it really does, even if in bits and pieces.

Still, most stay-at-home moms from time to time feel isolated and/or wonder if changing diapers and picking up smashed goldfish crackers out of the carpet is all there is, and so they try real hard to find more friends with whom to commiserate and find friendship. I've been there, and actually, with a five year old, I'm not quite yet out of the woods. So wanting some "fellowship" of sorts between other decent practicing Catholic mothers is understandable.

What's not understandable to me is when becoming a "good, orthodox Catholic mom" of the 21st century becomes near to like a lifestyle brand that one chooses. I'm really unsure of how to articulate this, so I'm going to first steer this discussion to a blog post I recently discovered at "The Heresy Hunter" blog, which includes a video trailer for a Catholic reality TV show in which Jennifer Fulwiler allows her "crazy" Catholic life to be filmed:

"It's All About Meeeeeee...Reality Catholic TV...Is Finally Here! (aka Picking on Jennifer Fulwiler, Or Not?). [I added the part in parentheses.] Make sure you read the commbox as well; the commbox is just as important as the actual blog post.

For the record, I have never before seen or heard of this "Heresy Hunter" blog until just a few days ago, discovering it on someone's blog role. I have no opinion of it, and neither support it or take issue with it, as a whole. The title is clever and intriguing, I admit, but given my Catholic mood of late, I'm more suspicious of this blog's content and mission than not.

Nonetheless, an admittedly fearless blogger over there has made observations about modern Catholic culture that I have been too chicken to make myself, even though I have been thinking similar thoughts for a long time. And it all ties into what I'm trying very unsuccessfully to get to the heart of here in my own blog post. As one commenter over there said, emphases mine:

"This is the new age of Catholicism in the West. It's suburban, urban, successful, and attractive, and very cleverly balanced between the materialistic secular culture and the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. This is the "we want it all generation", which is taking over what has come to be known as the "new evangelization" of the Church in North America...When we need Catholics who can renew the Church, what we seem to be getting is another newer, hipper, brighter generation of self-servers. And some of them are just so nice, and clever, and attractive, and family-oriented. Home-schoolers and NFPers and we've got lots of kids living the good life kind of folk. Makes good advertising but I don't think it will do much for Holy Mother Church."

I have had similar thoughts way too many times. Each time I think like this, it makes me uncomfortable because I am admittedly someone who believes that we have to reach people where they are, rather than isolate ourselves from the culture in which we live. For example, some people are reading this blog post on their iPads and checking their Facebook feed at the same time. This is reality, that we live in western culture, warts and all, and there's no escaping it.

But what if "where we are" as 21st century Catholics really is a sort of wishy-washy, consumeristic, secular-ish Catholicism that uses "fun" and "relevancy" as the measuring stick of goodness and we don't know it? Thus, how much of our lives as Catholics should reflect the culture around us? Aren't we supposed to be part of and fit in with that culture so that we can simultaneously stand out as being counter-cultural because of our Catholic Christian faith, morals, and ethics?

They say that mimicry is the highest form of compliment. Perhaps. But within the Christian realm, I have found mimicry to be more ridiculous than not. A look within Protestant Christianity confirms this ridiculousness with abundance: Christian rock and pop bands that are virtually indistinguishable from the real-thing variety. Christian marketing efforts that often rival secular marketing, such as with the Vegetales and the whole "What Would Jesus Do?" racket. Mega-churches with Starbucks inside.

Though people don't want to admit it, the same goes on within the Catholic world. Some time ago I was annoyed with all the praise and glory being given to the series of teen-targeted books written by Catholic Regina Doman, which were very similar in nature and theme to the Harry Potter genre. All fine and well, but then there was a merchandise line introduced to promote her books, and homeschool mothers who required their daughters to wear ankle-length skirts were suddenly OK with their daughters wearing commercial t-shirt advertisements for Catholic fantasy literature. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all. (I mean it.) But these are the same people who often make it a big deal to show off how successful they are in shunning worldly/secular kinds of things with a vengeance.

Lest you think I'm picking on homeschool Moms and/or Catholic kids who really do need uplifting literature to read, what are your thoughts about the cover of this book?

(I took this photo from "Aquinas & More Catholic Goods" on the internet. Feel free to patronize them if you so choose.)

In what way does this book look any different from the reams of chick-lit garbage out there, save for the word "Catholic"? [Disclosure: I sometimes read chick-lit garbage. And my kid loves the Vegetales.] Granted, I have been informed that authors rarely have any say over the cover designs of their books. However, what Catholic author would see this and not throw a fit? That is unless this is exactly the worldly look they were going for, given that perhaps - perhaps - it's now just a given that we really are, as that above commenter said - "very cleverly balanced between the materialistic secular culture and the Holy Catholic Church."

I bring up this book because this book got brung up to me.

At the beginning of the school year, knowing that I would be staying up in Milwaukee every day because Alan only has half-day kindergarten, I ventured into the fray and joined a Catholic Moms' book club that met once a month. I figured I'd try to make some new friends amongst other good Catholic women and get to read/discuss a Catholic book while I was at it. Since I read multiple books a month, I thought this was a great idea.

Much to my dismay, this is the book they chose. (I say this because I had fantasies of book clubs being these intense, high-brow intellectual discussions, which is not what it turned out to be.) And when I got to the group - some of the women hadn't yet been born when I was attending my high school prom! - it was clear that most of them were perfectly satisfied by this selection, perhaps even excited about it. While it was never officially articulated, my initial impressions were that a pink book cover with the words sex, style, and Catholic was not to be resisted because it was so hip! So relevant! Sort of like quick Catholic soundbytes for the busy Catholic mom's soul.

Now, before you think I'm being snarky and mean, I want to repeat here that I really do believe we need to reach people where they are. Some Catholic women, well, they are where they are. This is why, for example, I will support Christopher West, even while I do take serious issue with how he presents and teaches the subjects he does. Better that people learn what the Church teaches about sex and fertility, etc., in some way than not at all. Likewise, better that a nominal Catholic woman pick up this book and finish reading it with a new sense of purpose in being Catholic than not.

I admit I only read two essays in the pink Catholic book. They were fine. For example, there was one essay that might possibly help a woman who thinks that to be a good Catholic she needs to wear a jeans jumper and a chapel veil learn that NO, she can be who God created her to be, and if she wants to get a pair of new knee-high leather boots at Macy's, then go right ahead! (I agree.) Maybe it was even a message *I* needed to hear about three years ago when I was struggling with the "truth" that all the good Catholics wore long skirts and chapel veils and I was feeling mighty discouraged and angry about it.

Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that deep down the ultimate message of the book was this: Be a faithful Catholic, live your faith, be pro-life, raise up an authentic Catholic family, etc., etc., etc., but don't forget that you can be FAB-U-LOUS while you're doing it! I could be wrong, but as I perused through the book, there might even have been an essay that admonished women to care more about how they looked so that their husband would find them more attractive? I might be wrong; someone will surely tell me if I am. This sort of advice rubbed me the wrong way.

Is it unfair that I make this assessment without having read the book in its entirety? Yes. But let's face it: the look of a book, the theme of a book, and the kinds of people who are attracted to a book speak volumes. Or is it NOT the kinds of people who are attracted to a book, but more HOW the book is MARKETED to certain people? Really, the truth is likely that I'm asking the chicken or the egg question: which came first? No one has yet successfully answered. Are expressions of western Catholic culture (such as this book) a reflection of reality or is it the other way around?

Ultimately, I'm not concerned with the pink Catholic book or the specific women at the book club that I eventually dropped out of. The women who submitted essays for that book (including Jennifer Fulwiler) are perfectly fine Catholics, and the women who were in that book club were lovely, well-meaning Catholics who really did try to help me feel welcome. It just wasn't the right fit for me, especially since I had to miss because John's mother died in November and Alan had surgery in December and sometimes they met on days when Alan didn't have school. I'm sure if I had stayed, I might feel somewhat different.

But I'm telling you, I see things. Locally. On the internet. In the Catholic blogosphere. Things that make me wonder what the heck is going on out there in certain Catholic circles. Those who followed my first blog know that I was highly critical of  the now defunct "Faith & Family Live" blog for exactly the sort of spirit and experience that I'm questioning here. I'm serious, if I had mentioned in a commbox over there that I was making and marketing a Catholic laundry detergent - basically Tide in a bottle but with a label that said something like "St. Ann's Suds" -  they would have fallen all over themselves to buy it and promote it and talk about how wonderful it was that they could now buy laundry detergent from a good Catholic.

Would you like me to name blogs and portals where I think the same women now congregate? I bet you would. But I won't. I'll try to be charitable. But you and I know they are out there in abundance. In fact, I'm waiting for something like a Catholic jewelry party to show up in my Facebook feed any day now, replete with a reminder to bring along your favorite bottle of wine to share so that we can have a fun, fun, evening!

Actually, I kinda/sorta went to one of these things this past fall. Not saying what or where and I'm purposely obfuscating the details. Let's just say the parking lot had massive, shiny new SUVs and there were lots of Coach purses and perfectly clad children and mothers. And when I tried to introduce myself to some of these Catholic moms, you would have thought I had landed out of a spaceship, presumably because I wasn't wearing some unspoken Catholic "uniform" of the fun, suburban Catholic mother? (Either that or social networking has completely erased any sense of manners and real human interaction from our repertoire?)

And yet at this event, the Elf of the Shelf was being derided in lieu of a better, more wholesome Catholic version of, basically, the same exact concept! The better, more authentically Catholic counterpart: My Secret Angel and Me. (Except I'm not sure this product was made by a Catholic?) Anyway, all I heard was: "This PRODUCT bad, but this PRODUCT good." It sounded as if the main goal was to not deprive our children of a PRODUCT because all the other kids in our culture were having fun with their (non-Catholic) PRODUCT. We must have Catholic equivalency items! We must have someTHING and it should be Catholic and fun! (Yes, I realize that the Angel concept is a better one than the elf, but that's not my point here.)

I worry that I'm part of the problem (which some will argue is not a problem at all) because I, too, have a longing to belong to social constructs that serve to affirm an American experience and expression of Catholicism. I mean, what's wrong with having fun with other Catholic women who really and truly want to be good Catholics? Is there something inherently evil about a Catholic bunko party?

Nope.

But still, I have to ask if there is indeed something wrong with, for example, Jennifer Fulwiler allowing herself to be filmed for a Catholic reality TV show, setting some kind of example for other Catholic women that suggests, "This is how a good Catholic mother looks and lives." And then thousands of those women following her on Facebook and then likely buying the book she's written that is soon to be out, etc. How far do we go in wanting to "fit in" with other Catholics before we realize we're just buying into a Catholic branded lifestyle, without looking deep into our own souls and having a quiet conversation with Christ about what HE wants us to look like or how to live?

Is what Jennifer Fulwiler did wrong? I don't have an answer for that. But I'm thinking maybe I should jump the gun and get on that Catholic jewelry home sales idea while I still can.

80 comments:

  1. In case I haven't told you today, I'm so glad you are back on the blogosphere :)

    I don't see much problem with the stuff you mentioned actually. I don't think it's harmful, but yeah, it's crossing over into secularism. F&FL, well, I'm glad that is gone, but mostly because of the comment boxes which were scary (too many clinically depressed mothers getting bad advice).

    Back to the topic, as soon as I perceive a clique or a club forming, as there is now in the Catholic mommy-sphere and it's offshoots, I am Out. Of. There.

    As for Jennifer Fulwiler, she seems like a great person. My only thought about her work (her work, not her person) is that I am not interested in the gushing, glorious stories of adult converts who come to the faith freely. Perhaps more importantly, I think that they are overrepresented in Catholic social media in general. Again, not a diss on Jennifer.

    Catlady

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  2. I believe it all boils down to "fitting in." No one wants to be the outsider, the outcast... and being Catholic, *I* certainly feel like one sometimes (even at my Catholic church, rife with expenxive SUVs and well-dressed ladies, and Coach purses -ugh Coach purses, don't get me started, I've seen poor ladies with Coach purses). There is nothing wrong with fitting in and wanting to fit in, as long as it doesn't change us on the inside and compromise our values.
    The problem I see with all this on the internet, is that it's too visible, and therefor what the popular crowd is doing becomes what everyone else wants to be doing. Read the pink book, watch the Catholic reality, etc, etc, etc. And it's hard NOT to see these things. So I struggle with knowing what I should even be doing, without stopping to ask Christ what I should be doing (like you said).

    ~Beth

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  3. Catlady,
    I am totally not trying to diss Jennifer Fulwiler. Or Hallie Lord (who is the editor of the pink book). I would love to ask Hallie why she didn't flip out when they first showed her the cover and refuse to allow it, but that's not my right. I'm sure (I hope) it went through like that because she was just so happy to be published that she didn't want to screw it all up by making a fuss.

    Jennifer Fulwiler, like I said, is a perfectly good Catholic woman and example. I do question whether or not someone who is a newly-converted Catholic should be held up to such high esteem for everyone so early in the game, but that's another deep discussion for another time. I was all hot and excited about my Catholic faith when I reverted, but then I crashed, and am now picking myself back up. I worry about conversions and if they are permanent. I suppose writing a book about it and blogging about it makes it more permanent? I don't know.

    About the "crossing over to secularism" part that you worry about: I agree. I don't want to worry so much that I become a jerk of a closed-off conspiracy person, but I also don't want to live in a happy cloud of money and privilege and think that it's all OK, as long as my kid has an angel on the shelf instead of an elf on the shelf.

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    1. (This is not about Jennifer, but a general comment)...What concerns me about the current trend of "Crown the Latest, Loudest Convert" is that they end up making their conversion a product, a brand. Wow, I mean, really, when I think about that.... Anyway, I envy the convert who can come in at the age of whatever, get baptized, and start off again all clean and start their online ministries! But yes, that is a deeper discussion for another time.

      Catlady

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    2. "making their conversion a brand." Exactly! Do they realize that?

      But then I am a brand, too, am I not?

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  4. I don't think any of us fit in all that much, I just think we all try desperately to do so...and always think whoever it is, is doing so much better a job than we are.

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  5. Beth,
    Excellent comment and very well articulated. The part about it not changing you is where I nod in agreement with you - like I said, when I tried to socialize with these women and introduce myself and find out who they were, it was just a horrible experience. I felt that the need for these women to "fit in" got in the way of basic Christian hospitality.

    I have a sneaky suspicion we might be talking about the same parish, by the way. Still wondering if you and I have ever crossed paths or might?

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    1. Ha! I just replied to your comment on the other post about you and I crossing paths :)
      We live in a far west (affluent) sub-suburb now, though we used to live very near to where I think Alan goes to school.

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    2. Well, I'm always up for meeting. Don't know the ages of your kids, but most of my friends and family live in Waukesha or Washington counties, so driving is no big deal. No pressure, but it would be nice.

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    3. get your tail to the east coast woman

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    4. Yeah, but I'd want to go and do and see all kind of east coast stuff!

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    5. And the problem with that would be? We hang out, do a few things together and then you launch from homebase here to do whatever else you want...

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    6. Maureen, you forgot the food part.

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    7. well, there's always lots of that, you've seen pictures of my husband and me. Matthew can help you with the seafood part

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  6. Sherry, that is probably a statement of truth. But oh that we could all be truthful and admit it.

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  7. By the way, everyone, I know it's tempting to focus on the whole female fitting in thing, but I am fascinated by the quote I provided from that other blog's commbox and would really like to know people's thoughts on it.

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  8. I would say that the cover of the book, while not to your tastes and "too secular" for many, is true to Hallie, who in being true to herself, enjoys fashion and making herself beautiful. Read her blog and it makes sense. Nothing wrong there unless you let it be wrong.

    What I'm reading here is a war with meeting people where they are and what makes a truly wonderful not-wordly Catholic. I am surprised I didn't read anywhere in this post about the new link-up that is all the rage "What I Wore Sunday." When Jennifer Fulwiler wrote a post at National Catholic Register about how it made her think that hey, mass is a special occasion, I shouldn't be "saving clothes" from wearing to it weekly, she was roundly skewered by the decency police and the "what is our 'best' debaters." As surely that could become fertile, fertile ground for competition among women since not only do you post a pic of yourself, but also a description of your outfit and where you bought all the pieces. And many, many posts include the caveat, "I only buy on clearance" or something similar. Which could either mean false frugality or false modesty on the subject of frugality.

    But the bigger point of all this is, who gets to decide what is too secular?? We are supposed to be a part of this world if not of it. If someone dresses up in designer clothes for church and wears pants she gets as roundly criticized as the woman in only skirts and mantillas. Clearly the second is perceived as less secular, but do we know what is in her heart? Maybe she is only going through the motions for appearance sake whereas the first's heart is more focused on God.

    I think that quote makes a point and misses it as well. We can make all the judgments we want based upon what we see, but until we know all the ins and outs of individual lives, we don't get to say what that quote is trying to approximate, "Get ready folks, for the great downfall of Catholicism." Instead of realizing, without all of us, the ship will go down. If we can reserve judgment of each member of each congregation, each member of the body of Christ, we will be more likely to see they do serve a purpose, even if it is not the purpose we ourselves were made to serve.

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  9. Anonymous,
    You're right. The cover of that book is TOTALLY Hallie. But the book isn't for Hallie - it's for US, a large mass of Catholics.

    My criticism is that the book looks and feels worldly in appearance and that there are probably hundreds of other relevant book designs that could have been chosen instead of one that almost screams Sex in the Catholic City (which isn't too far off, by the way, from a Catholic book of nearly the same name that is about Theology of the Body.) There is a fine line, I think, between being relevant/appealing to women and outright mimicry of the world. I mean, the cover is almost cliche with the pink and the purse, and I'm sorry, but if the essays inside are to be taken seriously, then the cover of the book should reflect that reality.

    About knowing the ins and outs of people's lives and hearts, you are 100% correct. It is something I haven't been good about, but I also cite that my reversion to Catholicism was highly influenced by people who excel at judgement, and I have to rewind and rewire. It is one of the primary reasons I took down my old blog.

    Please remember that this entire blog post is essentially about keeping in mind how our lifestyle decisions as American Catholics affect others. Jennifer Fulwiler, for example, has thousands of people read her blog everyday, thus she has a big responsibility to make sure she doesn't lead them the wrong way. Everyone must think and act for themselves, true, but the rock-star status thing in the Catholic internet carries with it some responsibility because there are countless thousands looking for help in how to live an authentic Catholic life and will lap up whatever some people are putting out there.

    I know, I did it. I did it with the wrong people and sources and I have paid the price big time.

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  10. By the way, I never heard of the "What I Wore on Sunday" thing. Yick! That is fertile ground for lots of bad stuff taking root.

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  11. If it's being done just to be hip or keep up with the WASPs down the street then it's undermining your faith journey, it's falling victim to vanity or pride. For some, it may be simply that they don't have a concept of what living a Catholic life entails..so they find someone who they consider to be a "good Catholic" and model themselve on that. Part of the reason I think it's become so widespread is the life devoid of Catholicity that many grew up with over the past couple of generations. We didn't have the devotions and festivals and other distinctly Catholic events in our parishes or neighborhoods. We may have had bingo or a bazaar to raise funds but not the processions etc..

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    1. Maureen, nail on head! Vanity and pride are rampant in our culture - I mean, look at all the mega pastors of the mega churches. Look at how everyone "worshipped" Father Corapi and then he fell and people just could not believe it.

      I tried to model myself on the "good Catholics" on the internet (mostly TRADS and a few homeschoolers) and look where that got me. Pride, narcissism, nastiness, etc. I admit it, even if I still am snarky and talk about stuff no one wants to talk about.

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  12. now to go read the referenced article (and I haven't seen the tv show)

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    1. Don't know if the TV show ever happened or not? I wouldn't watch it because it would be an occasion of sin for me. I'm just being honest, I know myself. It's probably (subconsciously) one of the reasons I was unhappy about the pink book being chosen for that book club, I knew I'd be all over it if I read it. By the way, if anyone wants it, I'll send it to them for free, it's a perfectly good book, I'm sure, that someone other than me could benefit from.

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  13. I also think, that in our increasingly hostile to Catholic values culture, people are searching for a sense of belonging and use some of the accoutrements blasted on the net to achieve that in a small way.
    The bloggers do, in my opinion, have a duty to reflect carefully about what and why they are presenting to their readers. I would hope anyone with a decent readership has a strong interior life and good spiritual guidance/direction to help keep the ego hunger at bay.

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  14. We don't believe in the prosperity gospel

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    1. Good point. If you asked a Catholic in the know, they would say that the Prosperity Gospel is a Protestant thing, and yet many of them live it without knowing it. I sometimes worry that in my 985 square foot home *I* am living too high on the hog! Seriously, I worry about it all the time (scrupulosity?).

      I like nice things. Alot. It would surprise people here how much I know about and long for really nice luxury things, since I spent a good chunk of life studying them and tracking them (for reasons of style and aesthetics). My husband always tells me that SOME of things are not wrong to want and have, and I think that is the voice of reason. But when I see good Catholics discussing certain things on Facebook and the answers to every question are an unthinking, unabashed promotion of everything expensively suburban, I get nervous.

      It's been a long time since I lived with any money. When I had money, I wasn't a practicing Catholic, so I don't really know what it's like.

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    2. Or what I mean, is that I hope if I had quite a bit of money, I would give lots of it away to various Catholic charities and causes. God knows I would give a bunch to Alan's school if I could. That and Schoenstatt.

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    3. I think it's less important what you have than your attachments to what you have. I'm not talking so much about the sentimental things handed down from your grandmother, but moreso about how losing things, material or social, would impact your sense of self. Barbara Curtis (RIP) wrote bout how going bankrupt was kida freeing for her family.

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    4. Re prosperity gospel...Ross Douthat's book on this was very good, called Bad Religion. He argues that Christianity is being distorted by various forces, on one end is prosperity gospel, at the other is "spiritual but not religious."

      Catlady

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    5. Bad Religion is sitting in my huge pile of books to read....

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  15. You bring up much to think about, Char. I appreciate that. Initial response is that this reminds me how I feel I don't "fit in." When I feel that way what comes next is that I don't want to...

    As usual, you've got me thinking.

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    1. I usually end up the same way, Allison - I don't want to fit in with them. I'll probably always be more like that than not, although in recent times it has profited me to bite my tongue, behave, and try to fit it.

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  16. I haven't read all the comments so forgive me if this has been hashed out - what I have a little problem with is the making money off my conversion thing that I see going on in the Catholic blogosphere. It's one thing for a theology professor at a small Catholic college or university to publish a book that gets some press, and ends up making some dough on the side. But I wonder with some of these people - are they using their "conversion" or their faith to make a living? I purposely didn't buy that book for this reason. I've read enough blog posts from the contributors that I felt I had a pretty good feel for what advice they might give. It just feels so Rick Warren to me.

    I live in a pretty Catholic part of the country - NJ. I guess most of my friends are nominal Catholics - nobody is trying to convert anybody. I have very few Protestant friends. My non-Catholic friends are all secular Jews. So that's my bias I suppose.

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    1. Well I gotta admit, JMB, that Rick Warren never crossed my mind. But in your making the comparison, you are hinting at what I'm hinting at and what that blog I referenced is hinting at.....are some of these "professional Cathlolics" (not my term, it was theirs) aware of the massive impact they're having on us?

      I agree that I, too, had read enough blog posts from the contributors in the pink book to know the basic gist of what would be in it.

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  17. Have you read the Canterbury Tales? Someone once said to me, "You know, the Wife of Bath was a Catholic." Whatever culture we live in, we have to live our Catholic faith in it, there is no way to escape that. So long as what is secular is not sinful, lay people are more or less expected to be involved in it. And of course, many of them, like the Wife of Bath, will be involved in some of the sins of their times, and some of the perennial sins. It is inevitable. People do have to figure out how to be Catholic where they live, and if that is the suburbs, and they are of a certain income, well all the mores of their class, all the trends, the expected possessions, are going to impinge upon them. Figuring all that out isn't easy. You weren't happy with the ankle length skirt and chapel veil crowd. (I know some young women and some teens from this crowd, and I have to say that I wish my pierced, goth teenagers-now solid citizens but not Catholics- had been like them, but that was not my fate.) I don't think these people are doing anything wrong or bad; it is always a matter of where your ultimate treasure is, whether the froth on top is an image of a cool suburban chick with a big purse, or of a dowdy sober Amish Catholic mom.

    You know, you don't have to be a Mommy blogger. Perhaps because my kids were pretty close to grown up before the internet began to flower, I have spent very little time on Mommy blogs. Before blogs, I participated at bit.listserve.Catholic, where debates used to go on for months, and I really liked that the best. I tend to go to apologetics sites where it really heats up between Catholics and Protestants or Catholics and Orthodox. I read the Catholic Culture Warriors type blogs. Wherever one can find argument, references used like swords... I love it. Yes, lets, talk about Justification...or the Filioque. That's my thing. But it doesn't represent any more virtue than the concerns of the Mommy bloggers.

    Catholics are a mixed bag, and not perfect, even the serious ones. So be who you are, address your own concerns in your own way on your blog, and try not to judge how others are working out being Catholics in the world. You can always just not comment.

    By the way, I looked at that "What I wore to church on Sunday" thing with interest and amusement. Yes, it could get to be some sort of fashion competition, or a thriftstore shopping competition, but I didn't really see that happening. It was more like what happens when women are together. "Love your boots." In reasonable doses, harmless, I think.

    Please stay around.
    Susan Peterson

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    1. Susan,
      No, I haven't read the Canterbury Tales. There's lots of classical literature I missed out on and wish I hadn't.

      I have no desire to be a mommy blogger, even if I am an older mommy of a young child. Just want to get that out here loud and clear for everyone. Also don't want to be an apologetics blogger. Heck no! Arguing all day long with those people? God bless people like you who want to do it on all our behalf! : ) Nope, I just want my blog to "me" and I think that's all anybody else wants too. (Well, mostly. Ha!)

      Working out how to be a Catholic in the world isn't a solitary thing, as you might be(?) suggesting. I mean, yes, ultimately, it's between oneself and God. But once it gets out here in the internet, well, it's kind of hard to blog or interact in a vacuum. Which is, in a roundabout way, what myself, and I think many in this commbox are getting at: we DO look to other internet Catholics for friendship, guidance, leadership, ideas, a whole bunch of stuff, etc., and in the process you find out how other people are living out their Catholic faith. Susan, you are here on MY blog watching and reading about how *I* live out my Catholic faith struggles AND you are commenting on it. That's sort of how it works. Why can you comment on it, but I'm not supposed to?

      I don't think it's disingenuous to for me to make observations about how I see other Catholics living their faith in PUBLIC, especially if I see trends that make me wonder or worry or confuse me. I know you didn't call me disingenuous, by the way. But I think you're suggesting that I shouldn't get into this topic, and I have to disagree because I am not a Catholic in a vacuum. I am surrounded by Catholics all day long; I am a Catholic in community, both in real life all day long and here on the internet. If I see or sense changes in the community that affect my life, well then, why not talk about it?

      If people want to question how nameless, faceless people on the internet affect my life, well then, that's the subject of another blog post, I think.

      Delete
    2. I think there is too little criticism of the stars of the Catholic blogosphere, I really do. I got banned from a prominent blog once because I said something that wasn't gushing over the current work of one of the leading darlings of the Catholic blogosphere. Now, I didn't write anything about her as a person, in fact I started my comment with a disclaimer to that effect. I made a comment about her work. I got BANNED. Why? Was this blogger scared that maybe some writing opportunities might dry up if he let a comment like that through without comment (He published the comment, and then banned me right after, I guess to show his allegiance to the Queen).

      Catlady
      Catlady

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    3. Likewise, I received tons of flack for questioning lots of things about Father Z.

      One person who does criticize choice stars of the Catholic blogosphere (sometimes) is Mark Shea. I admit I appreciate it, especially when it comes to Michael Voris. Many people hate Shea for it (and for lots of other things). What I like about Shea is that he is unabashedly equal opportunity in his criticisms.

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  18. I must admit, I was curious when red cardigan said you were blogging. I know that I am one of those bloggers that you really don't like...(remember- I have this horrible compulsion to comment on what I read...that's one reason why you wrote a blog post against my blog)

    You have a problem with secular-looking things like the Sex book by Hallie Lord and What I Wore Sundays- saying that we Catholics are trying to be like everybody else- but then you also have a problem with supposed 'traditional' Catholics with their long skirts and homeschooling mommy blogs. I think that most of us are just trying to get through this world the best we can.

    I wear skirts to church, but I don't veil. Where do I fit in? I guess nowhere. Or maybe I shouldn't judge women in pants or veiled women. And hopefully, they will extend that same grace to me.

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  19. Priest's Wife,
    I NEVER said I didn't like you, that is putting words in my mouth. Rather, I made observations about your internet habits. Two different things. (And actually I never brought your blog into it - it was about commboxes on other blogs, but I suppose it looks petty for me to point that out.) But I understand, I've been attacked on the Catholic internet many times. It sort of comes with the territory when you put yourself out there publicaly. People might not like you or they might not like your style or might not like what you say. It's a risk to blog; I wish the more tender souls doing it understood that.

    Your comments to me here are taken seriously, but they lack a knowledge of the background and backstory that I come with. I guess this is the downside of Erin Manning promoting my blog to people who weren't familiar with me. Perhaps that sounds unfair to say "You don't understand where I'm coming from because you haven't been along for the whole ride," but in this case it's mostly true.

    My "issues" with traditionalists and "homeschooling mommy bloggers" can not be cast into "good" and "bad" as you want to paint it, thereby assuming that I am casting aspersions on everyone and everything, including you, by default. It's not that simple. It's almost like you WANT me to be critical of you?

    You are totally misunderstanding what I wrote here if you think my issue is with "secular looking things" like the pink book. And the "What I Wore Sunday" thing - I never even heard of that until this afternoon and I've never seen it, so I don't know why you're making a big deal out of that? This post was about, as I have wanted people to focus on, the quote from a source outside myself that intrigued me about the clean, shiny, successful, suburban face of the new Catholicism in America. As well as the blog post I referenced, which I'm wondering if you or anyone else bothered to read?

    I believe my observations, wonderings, and questions are legitimate. If you don't, I'm sorry. This blog won't be for everyone, I'm sure.

    Really, I would much rather you tell me here, plainly and simply, that I hurt you a long time ago, which is what I suspect this is all about.

    I've started over with this new blog with good reason. I am sorry for many things I've done and said on the old blog. I have generally apologized here, and that includes an apology to you. If you accept it, great. But if not, please don't come over here and try to dig up old dirt. Thanks for understanding that I'm trying to start over.

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  20. Love this post! So much I want to say but I'd end up hijacking your post with my comments. Going to read it again and think about it some more.
    Angela M.

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  21. Angela, way back when you never hesitated to speak you mind. Ha! : )

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    1. Ha! I keep thinking I should blog again...so many opinions but so little time! Actually my 40 Days for Life blog is going back into action soon. Maybe Feb. 1.

      Your post has made me think about the fact that a lot of people in my parish would probably shun me if they knew what I was like before my conversion experience 10 years ago.

      I love your blog. It makes me think.
      Angela M.

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  22. Thanks for the kind words- sometimes I wish com boxes could be coffee shops...things are always better face to face

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    1. Totally agree.

      It might be almost 3 years now? Well anyway, I started my Facebook profile all over from scratch, complete with a set of self-imposed rules.

      One of the many rules I imposed on myself was that unless you were homebound or it was some loose business thing that benefitted both parties, I would not be Facebook friends with anyone who lived in the same town as me. I got sick of arguing over political and religious issues with people who lived a half mile away from me, but then I never saw them in real life, except maybe in passing at mass. I kept thinking, this is stupid, we should be in a coffee shop or bar talking about all this stuff, hashing it out among "friends" and not letting the internet thing (no face-to-face contact) get in the way.

      One of the best decisions I ever made. Most of those people had no interest in knowing me in real life - all they wanted to do was argue. What was sad is that we were all Catholics. But we were Catholics of very different political leanings.

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  23. Wow, I started to comment earlier and now there are like 20 new comments. Forgive me if I repeat something someone else has said.

    To me Faith and Family was a good way to find some sort of normal after being raised in homeschooling Trad family. It was a fairly orthodox place where it was OK not to be riled up about girl altar servers and women in pants. Hallie was one blogger I tended to avoid because her first posts were things like "Skirts, Squeeee!" and "Chapel veils, Squeee!" and not only did the topics take me back to a place that was unhealthy, I don't do "Sqees!" So, yeah, the cover of that book and the editor tell me that I'm not the intended audience.

    The thing is, I feel like I'm nobody's intended audience. In college, my Lutheran friend and I used to joke that the Catholic students' center was more interested in him than me because they saw him as a potential convert and I was neither convert nor revert material. Leaving college hasn't changed much. Most of the current trends seem to be about stirring up the faith in those ignorant, do nothing Catholics by telling them all the wonderful things that will happen if they just get more Catholic. The problem is, it seems that very few people want to minister to the people who have gotten past the initial euphoria but are still trying to grow in their faith.

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    1. Hi Alice,

      I don't remember Hallie being all excited about chapel veils? Maybe I missed that, but in the long run, that doesn't seem like something she'd be into? Maybe I'm wrong?

      I admit chapel veils are PRETTY. I love lace. But to me, it's the attitude that goes with it, which is often (but not always) very self-assured that it is the RIGHT thing to do, and besides, didn't you know that the 1984 Catechism or printing of canon law (or whatever it is) was WRONG and we are all supposed to be covering our heads?

      I once knew a woman who tried chapel veils for awhile. When I asked her why she didn't stick with it, she told me that she would stand in her bathroom and admire how pretty she was while wearing them and she realized it was all about vanity and how it reminded her of wearing a wedding veil, so she quit. Now, I doubt that's what it's about for most women who wear them, but I do recall that many who are into chapel veils will claim vast collections of them so as to match various outfits. Not that there's anything wrong with that - women in the mid-century also had vast collections of hats that they wore. Although the caveat on that is that women wore hats everywhere, and not just to church. My attitude is: how many chapel veils does a person need? Anyway, the women who quietly wear chapel veils without making it an issue for everyone are the women I respect - each is called in their own way.

      Hallie being into skirts and dresses I understand more, because where Hallie and I have a meeting of minds is a love of all things prissy and vintage. In fact, when she gave birth to one of her kids, I sent her a big box of baby vintage clothing. (There's more to that story, but I'm going to be quiet about it.) Anyway, I think Hallie found a perfect connection between wearing Sunday best and her love of vintage clothing in the dress thing. I highly doubt she's part of the Modesty Squad, at least in the traddy way. I admit that if I was thin, I'd probably wear dresses to church almost every week. But it would have nothing to do with Sunday best or honoring God (I reject the notion that skirts and dresses automatically honor God), or modesty. It would be because I simply like them.

      continued....

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    2. When you say you don't feel part of any intended audience, you are hitting on something really important.

      As far as the internet, what I see is vast quantities of Catholics like you and I being targeted as potential converts to Traditional Catholicism - lots of ink being spilled to convince people who are already decent Catholics that they are wrong, can be better, or whatever it is they want to convince us of. You cannot get far in the Catholic blogosphere without running into this over and over. I sometimes liken it to a separate religion.

      In real life, it's hard too. I don't have an answer to it except to look to the saints, who developed self-discipline in seeking God, often times in loneliness. At some point we all have to turn off the TV, close the computer, stop looking for fun, fun, fun fellowship and be quiet and pray. Not that I do this all the time. Or at all. It's so much easier to want to talk, talk, talk and spin ideas and conversations in our minds.

      It's like the person (and I've done this a few times) who asks in someone's blog commbox for really good books about saints, receives 53 different recommendations, and then reads none of them. That's sort of what it's like.

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    3. Hallie posted about chapel veils on F&F shortly after the skirts war where I found your blog. Father Z even linked to her article with red annotations! It wouldn't have been such a big deal to me if I didn't associate wearing a veil with the time in my life where I really believed that unless I completely subjugated myself to my father (or husband), I couldn't go to heaven. I was really hoping that Hallie's contributions to F&F would help me figure out how to be feminine and modest in the 21st century, but the way she went about things, she tempted me to sacrifice my personhood to the goddess Femininity, so I avoid her blog like the plague.

      Like I said, I'm not her intended audience and I'm not a lot of people's intended audience. It's OK. There are lots of great books from the saints and from Catholic authors in the 1930s and 1940s that help the reader go beyond the basics and never tell the reader that the Evangelicals have everything better than we do. Of course, people who find that the American Church back then actually knew what to do with Catholics who knew the basics, find themselves open to Traditionalism. Years of study, however, have shown me that the pre-1960's produced a lot of inferior materials for Catholics. It's just that the inferior things have mostly disappeared over the years.

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    4. Alice, I could definitely see how Hallie's interest in femininity could make you feel that way. In fact, you described her viewpoint well.

      As far as pre-1960's "inferior" materials: I don't know if they are inferior, but I can tell you that there is a market for all that stuff on Ebay. I have sold holy cards, booklets, and books (including the words TRADS, SSPX and Traditional Catholic in the description! Ha!), and they ALL sold and some for good money. Still rifling through things from my great-grandmother to see what else I can sell, pulling out a few things to keep for sentimental reasons. So what I'm saying is that inferior or not, people are grasping for this stuff. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

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    5. I know there's a market, but I wish that people were a bit more discerning, especially when it comes to reprinting things. A few weeks ago I went to the local Catholic store looking for "My Jesus and I" and since they didn't have it, I bought a very newly reprinted children's book from the 1950's. I'd say the name, except that I can't remember it and I think my husband threw the book away. It was that bad.

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  24. Long time lurker of your old blog here. I am happy to see you blogging again!

    I think I see what you are saying mostly within my own life. I want it all. I want to be a faithful Catholic and still live the good life that most of my peers are trying to live. I see this in my husband and myself: we want to be good, faithful people, yet still enjoy all the trimmings of leading a secular life. I realize striving for good jobs, a smooth life, nice things, and vacations is not necessarily bad, but a part of me knows that there will come a time when our wishes for a comfortable life will come into conflict with our faith, and then what will we choose?

    As an example NFP promotion (I remember that NFP is a subject that you have had some grappling with and I don't know where you are with that, so I apologize if this is a bad example for you). Often NFP promotion makes it look like we can be all uber Catholic, carefully plan our children, and still have totally hot and sexy, sex lives. But living the faith in this area has been far harder than my husband and I thought it would be, and I have a feeling at some point we will have to choose between our comfy life and trying to live the life our church has asked us too. And I think the mentality you are speaking of tries to convince Catholics that they don't have to choose between being a faithful Catholic and living the good life whether that be in regards to economic prosperity, sex, parenthood, or fashion. I'm not saying we have to give up striving for a comfortable happy life, but that odds are most of us will have to give some of these things up in order to comply with our faith. Frankly I find that thought quite unnerving.

    November

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    1. November, I want it all, too. It's a very American expression of Catholicism/Christianity to be this way. This post was meant as a way to question that.

      Again, I am not trying to pick on Jennifer Fulwiler, who I believe to be nothing but sincere - and all I've seen is the trailer for her Catholic reality TV thing (maybe it's totally different than the trailer shows) - but do we even need that? Do we actually NEED a show portraying how one Catholic lives her life? Won't her book be enough, as well as her blog? I really think people take their cues from things like this, especially since we're all conditioned to do it through media. Do I think the people who follow Fulwiler are as goofy and mindless as the women who watch New Jersey Housewives and want to have their homes and hair look the women on TV? Of course not. But there is a danger in taking the Catholic testimony/example thing too far. I can guarantee you that reams of Catholics have taken cues from Trad and homeschooling blogs in terms of how they should be living their lives and what that life should look like. I can even think of a few specific blogs but won't name them.

      Who is promoting NFP as some totally hot sex life thing? Sign me up! Ha! OK, seriously, outside of Christopher West, I've never seen that. As far as NFP is concerned, I have given up so much of my life in order to comply with my faith that I am angry and resentful about it. Should I go out and furnish my home with all the accoutrements of the good life to make up for it? That's a good question. I wonder if people are doing that?

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    2. I went to one of those very conservative Catholic colleges, so my exposure to NFP before getting married was very pie-in-the-sky regarding marriage, sex, babies, and NFP. Perhaps these things are presented more realistically out in the real world :)

      November

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    3. November, nope, I haven't seen any realistic presentations of NFP out here in the real world. I've been tempted to blog about the two NFP courses I attended - they couldn't have been more different - but just haven't done it yet because when you open up a can of NFP out here on the internet, the NFP cheerleaders and NFP police ALWAYS find you.

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  25. Wow, this is really awesome.

    There is definitely a whole 'upper-middle-classy' thing going on in the online "I"m a better Catholic than you" world.

    Are you familiar with the Ochlophobist (Owen White)? Fascinating guy so I'd recommend googling him if you're not familiar with him. He's commented on several blogs about the gentrification of the American Catholic Church. I think he's definitely onto something there.

    So much of the lifestyle 'porn' of the orthodox Catholic mommy world is, IMHO, based on having a husband with a very good job. His job that allows the SAHM to bake special cakes for today's feast day while her children make little dioramas (or whatever) for that day's saint. And then she must blog about it and post pictures from her perfect large kitchen.

    I can't quite put my finger on what is wrong with that but there is something so fake about it.

    And then there is the whole commercial aspect of this. I think what we do (or at least what I do) is figure out what kind of things are owned by the person we want to be and buy those things. That's our way of becoming that person. And of course we can only do this if we are affluent.

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    1. Anonymous, thanks for stopping by and for saying this discussion is "awesome."

      You are maybe the first person here who is whole heartedly admitting to understanding where I'm coming from on this.

      Although I cringe at the thought I might be writing a manifesto that falls along socio-economic lines. I am not trying to say being wealthy is a sin, by any means. Let us not forget that many poor homeschool mom blogs feature feast day cupcakes and saint dioramas, as well.

      You mention one key aspect here that I think is important: the stay at home mom. It is more than key, it's perhaps the defining characteristic of this entire discussion. Every event, Facebook post, Catholic author, and good Catholic mommy I allude to in this post is, in fact (like me) a stay at home mom.

      Is the Catholic stay at home Mom a privileged creature unlike other Catholic women? Good question.

      Delete
  26. By the way, everyone, I wanted to mention this to be funny (though it's true): I NEVER heard of, conceived of, or even saw a diaper cover until.....I read Catholic blogs.

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    1. Cloth diapering is a perfect example of how crunchy-ness is just another trend. Back in the old days, machines that made your life easier, e.g. a washing machine, were a status symbol. Now that just about anyone in the US can afford those machines, the new status symbol is a wife who has enough leisure time to do things that require more time, e.g. cloth diapering. It's a very odd, first world phenomenon.

      For the record, I used cloth diapers for my DD. Looking back I think that in the haze of new mommydom, I started to get romantic and fuzzy about "natural" and "organic." It seems a little silly now. And my grandmother, who had babies back in the days when you didn't get to choose to CD, thought it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

      And when you think about it, cloth diapering to be "natural" and "frugal" in the era of $30 diapers is just plain bizarre. Sure you can CD with a few pre-folds, simple covers and wool pants but that's not how much of us did it. I'm pretty sure I ended up spending more money than I would have with disposable diapers.

      The thing that strikes me is how artificial all of this is. We're (and I use "we" since I'm pretty much a part of this world too, at least in spirit) all trying to raise our children "just so." Our houses are "just so," our kitchens are "just so" and we want our children to be just as controlled. Except, of course, our children aren't a chair. They're little human beings, and try as we might we can't control them.

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    3. Anonymous writes : "Cloth diapering is a perfect example of how crunchy-ness is just another trend."

      Who ever it was who coined the term 'crunchy' deserves a very low place in hell.

      Not all trends are bad, the trend against the plastic materialist modern culture is very good, or at least it can and should be very good, especially if it leads back to a holistic understanding of ourselves.

      I was raised on the stuff, my mother started the first natural food grocery store and restaurant in Denver, and so for me I take great joy whenever Catholics turn toward cloth diapers and breastfeeding on demand and homebirthing and . . .

      What I do find sad is the reaction against the environmental movement, we should likewise be environmentalists because we are Catholic.

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    4. I always feel joyful when I see a friend recover from crunchyness. I have a few reformed homebirther friends and acquaintances. If they're lucky they see the light without suffering a horrible, preventable tragedy.

      The midwives in Colorado have particularly horrendous stats.

      It's also nice to see obnoxious breastfeeding advocates tone down their rhetoric a little bit as their kids get older.

      It's a good thing to turn away from the greater materialistic culture but woo garbage isn't the answer either.

      Use your brain and:
      have your baby in a hospital attended by someone who went to college and graduate school (OB and if you're truly low risk a CNM);
      feed your baby however works for you and your family, the important part being that the baby is fed;
      vaccinate your children against deadly diseases that killed innocent children of your grandparents' generation;
      diaper them however you want to because it really doesn't matter;
      if you do CD, don't kid yourself that you're not lot of electricity and water to wash your diapers;
      buy organic if you can afford it and it's available but know it's low on the list of things that matter;
      educate your children at home or at school but none of those "unschooling" nonsense;
      babywear if you want to but strollers are perfectly fine too;
      co-sleep safely if you want to but there's nothing wrong with cribs.

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    5. I have to agree that LTG (Love the Girls) has a good point about environmentalism not necessarily being at odds with orthodox Catholicism. I think he's right about that. HOWEVER, the problem is that crunchy Catholics (I stick with that term because it is often good at describing who we're talking about here, although I admit to knowing non-crunchy types who cloth diaper).....crunchy Catholics often make it as if an article of faith, a "must," a manifesto. I say that if it's so great to do something so organic, then let an interest in it grow organically.

      Anonymous, I love that you said this: "Back in the old days, machines that made your life easier, e.g. a washing machine, were a status symbol. Now that just about anyone in the US can afford those machines, the new status symbol is a wife who has enough leisure time to do things that require more time, e.g. cloth diapering. It's a very odd, first world phenomenon." I never thought of it that way and I have to agree.

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    6. That's another thing I find bizarre about the Catholic blogosphere – the crunchiness!! I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with cloth diapering or making your own baby food or whatever. But like I was saying below about homeschooling, large families, etc., it’s not that I have a problem with any of these things, it’s the attitude so many people have that these things are superior. It’s hard enough balancing three children, the part-time job I have to have to help support the family, and everything else that needs to be done around the house. To me, “crunchiness” just sounds like making people’s lives as difficult as possible. Or I should say, WOMEN’S lives, because let’s face it, they’re the ones doing all that work!

      I remember I first got exposed to Catholic crunchiness after taking an NFP course from CCL. Prior to that, I don’t think I had even heard of La Leche League. I just assumed all babies slept in cribs, and I was flabbergasted that something like where a baby sleeps could be controversial. I discovered a whole world that I didn’t even know existed. I remember thinking, some of this stuff sounds good, some of it is a little crazy, and some of it is just a lot of unnecessary work, but what on earth does any of this stuff have to do with Catholicism?!

      Even I am somewhat “crunchy” in that I do extended breastfeeding and have co-slept off and on, but that’s just because those things worked well for our family.

      Some of the crunchy stuff I just scratch my head about. I’ve heard that some people only want their kids to play with wooden toys instead of plastic ones. Umm … what?

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    7. Yup, CCL is the beginning of when I found out all the stuff I "should" be doing. I so resent CCL on so many levels that I mostly refuse to blog about it because my blog will likely explode.

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    8. Also, I completely agree with Annonymous's list above!

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  27. I feel sorry for the celebrity Catholics, its not an easy way to make a living.

    As for it being unseemly? The girl blogs are strange, they talk about personal matters to people who they know less well than a complete stranger standing next to them at the market.

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  28. De-lurking to say how I find this post pretty fascinating too. A lot of the following is kind of off-topic from the original post, but related, and I think you'll be able to relate.

    I read a lot of Catholic mom blogs, and it's a very strange world. I feel like a lot of these people are a lot like me in terms of values and morals, but in some other ways they are SO unlike me. On the one hand, I'm a devout, practicing, mass-attending, confession-going, rosary-praying, NFP-using, pro-life, virgin-on-my-wedding-night, gay-marriage-and-women's-
    ordination-opposing Catholic. But on the other hand, I have three kids and no desire at all for more, we send our kids to public schools, and I think cry rooms are awesome. (I would prefer to not take my kids to mass at all when they're little, but that's kind of hard logistically.)

    I just CANNOT relate to these people who, say, have five or six kids and they're getting older and they're just *longing* for more - if I was in that position I would be so relieved that the "little kid" years are over! I also find it strange that nearly everyone in Catholic Mom Blog World homeschools, a few send their kids to Catholic school, and public schools are almost unheard of. I have no problem with homeschooling at all, but I have a huge problem with people thinking everyone should homeschool. I have run into this a lot online (though certainly not all homeschoolers have this attitude.) Personally, homeschooling sounds horrible to me and I would never do it.

    I also have nothing against large families at all, but I often run into the attitude that large families are superior and you should be "open to life" unless you have severe health or financial problems. I see this even from people who are not providentialists and think NFP is OK. Again, certainly not all mothers of large families have this attitude, but some do. I keep seeing some version of "when I was a young mom of 3 I was overwhelmed too, but now I have 25 children and couldn't be happier!!!11!! Aw, shucks, if little ol' me can have 25 children, anyone can!!" I am sure that really is the experience of some people and there's nothing wrong with that, but they seem to be generalizing their own experience and projecting it onto everyone else. Yes, some people can handle 8 kids beautifully, but not everyone can. They don't seem to realize that some people are simply not called to have a big family, and it's not necessarily because of age or fertility problems or severe health or financial issues. Some people are just not called to it, and as long as they are using NFP, they are not sinning.

    Understand that these are gross generalizations and I don't necessarily have any particular blogs in mind. They are just attitudes I see over and over on blogs and in comments.

    The bottom line is you don't have to have a lot of kids, you don't have to homeschool, you don't have to send your kids to Catholic school, you don't have to be a stay-at-home mom, you don't have to take your toddlers to mass and sit up front. But you would never know that from reading a lot of these blogs.

    I used to think of myself as a "conservative" Catholic, since I didn't dissent from any teaching. I wasn't like those pro-choice, gay-marrying, liturgical-dancing, etc. Catholics. I think there was an element of pride in thinking of myself that way, actually. But after reading all these blogs for so long, I think I'm actually more of a "moderate" Catholic.

    I actually don't know many Catholics like these bloggers in "real life." I know a lot of "real life" Catholics who don't dissent on any Church teaching, but still have a small family, or send their kids to public school, or have two incomes, etc. I don't know what it is about the internet.

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    1. You've summed up many of my thoughts above.

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    2. Ditto for me. Sum up many of my thoughts exactly.

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  29. I get sick of the perfect moms too. I would like to point out, however, that many of them are not in fact SAHMs. Most work, writing for blogs, books, publications, etc. They have two incomes. I would be willing to bet that a lot of them put on veggie tales and throw cookies to their 2 year olds more than their conscience allows them to write about. I also believe that sometimes there is a fear that they are not evangelizing properly if the truth is less poetic and more blunt and ugly. After all, if life doesn't improve dramatically in practical ways, why on EARTH start homeschooling and this ridiculous to learn NFP garbage (this is merely speculation on my part). I find that if they raise m ire (and they do often) I just lay off reading them for a while and stick with some of the more satirical or, my very fav, Mark Shea. Just some thoughts. I think it's great that you seem open to hearing people's musings and thoughts as opposed to finely crafted apologetically correct doctoral thesis Magnus opus kind of stuff.
    Just sayin.
    K

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    1. K,
      All good thoughts and I mostly agree. However, if many of them are NOT stay-at-home-moms, then they're not owing up to it. I don't know too many working Catholic moms of large families that have time to blog. Rather, I think it's a lot of homeschooling moms who throw the cookies and Vegetales in and blog.

      By the way, I have absolutely NO issues with throwing the kid a few cookies and throwing in the Vegetales. However, I'm an honest person and wouldn't dream of pretending to throw in only "good" DVDs. My kid watches Spongebob and the Fresh Beat Band, etc., for long periods of time and I don't care. Sure, he watches Vegetales too, and there's plenty of shows I don't allow (for example, the Fairly Odd Parents), but I decided a while back that the modern parenting notion of "I'm paying attention to you and interacting with you at all times" is complete bogus. That's not how I was raised, nor how my parents were raised. So if my kid doesn't have anyone to play with and he's bored with his toys, go ahead and watch TV. That's what I did until I got more interested in reading. When my kid is old enough to read on his own we'll work on that angle.

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    2. Char, I think K is saying that you can't seriously call a woman who jets off to speak at this conference and that a "stay at home mom." Nor can you call her family a "one income family." Plus, a couple of the "I don't use TV" mommy-bloggers have or had unmarried sisters living with them. I don't have a problem with them ordering their lives the way they see fit, but it isn't the regular SAHM experience either. KWIM?

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  30. OK I read comments here and on the Heresy Hunter and I come up with two words: Guilt. Jealousy.

    There is guilt on the part of some "successful" moms. Life is easier when you have money, attention, writing talent, a popular blog, a book deal, a pretty face, a TV special, etc. so they have to write/blog/tweet/instagram/fb/reality TV about how they have so many kids, they struggle like you do, they WORK so hard, and they really are Catholic; here! Here's proof! Some mix up the idea that what you do is who you are. If you are a homeschooling, NFPing, breast-feeding, Mommy blogger who happens to be Catholic, don't confuse the homeschooling, NFPing, breast-feeding and blogging with being Catholic. They can be done in a Catholic way, but it's not, in and of itself, Catholicism. (Here's a shocker: Motherhood itself is not Catholicism; chew on that!)

    And there's jealousy on the part of some who don't see themselves as those "other" types. Jealous of the success, the big-salary-making husband and all that goes with it: The attention, the blog stats, the book deal, the TV gig, the speaking invites, the big house, the car, the wardrobe, the salon-perfect hair, the surgically-enhanced body parts (not saying that all of them have all of the above, but it's usually some combination of them...) I smell jealousy. There's plenty of that to go around.

    The way to sanity? Either way, this is just not something to get emotionally invested in, to the point of caring all that much. We all have our crap. Our faults. Our lies we tell ourselves, either way. Be happy with what you have. Enjoy it and life. It's all a gift and it's all temporary. Be Catholic. Be yourself.

    Corky St. Claire

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    1. Disagree on the jealousy claim, Corky.

      I would say that the commenters on my blog post were being honest and insightful. They're not selling anything, they're not seeking celebrity and, unlike my blunt/harsh commentary in the post, most of the comments were rather subdued in tone. The issue of the "Catholic celebrity" is a problem that needs addressing, and when people address the subject it doesn't necessarily mean or infer jealousy.

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    2. Corky, if there would be any mantra I'd love to live by, it would indeed be, as you say, "Be Catholic. Be yourself." That's why I love the Schoenstatt movement, which at some point I will blog about.

      However, your comment actually brings us full circle to the beginning. Our society and culture no longer teaches us or encourages us to be ourselves, except for when it's to be "ourselves" like everyone else. "Be yourself! Find your personal style at the Gap! Along with 6 million other people just like you!" So likewise, Catholic women (and men) are looking for someone to tell them how to be and how to live.

      This is why training our children to think for themselves, which happens only within an appalling few schools, is so important.

      Do I think jealousy and guilt are part of the mix? Sure. But I think those are side items, not the main course. The main course is that we want someone to show us, to make it easy for us. That's all fine and good as a starting point and as long as the person you look up to is an authentic and spiritually wise Catholic. But at some point a person has to break off and make the faith their own. Which is exactly the next thing I am going to blog about.

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  31. Catholicism does not have a doctrine about long skirts, cloth diapers, breastfeeding, or how one should give birth. There have been people who thought it had a doctrine about whether the wife should work. I found a book once by a priest in the 1940's who was sure it was an implicit doctrine that she shouldn't., but he was just reflecting his own cultural ideas. There are huge swathes of things which Catholicism does not have a doctrine about.

    If one is Catholic and also believes other things strongly, it is tempting to put them all together. I was a large family, [mostly] cloth diaper, breastfeeding and home birthing mom, so if there had been an internet when I was having my children, I probably would have been that kind of Mommy blogger. (I home schooled for 2 years but for various reasons it wasn't working well for us. ) I certainly was quite passionate about all those other things. But I remember meeting a C section having bottlefeeding mother of a large Catholic family and realizing that her family was a very happy one, and forcing myself to acknowledge that what was so important to me was not really basic in importance compared to things like, say, having a respectful and peaceful relationship with one's spouse. I don't think I ever made those things part of Catholicism, but I know I really wanted to. The Blessed Virgin breastfed the baby Jesus, right?

    When you think about it, there is even more variation in Catholics than we have mentioned here. Think about it, Chinese Catholics, Ukrainian Catholics, South American Catholics, rich, poor, and beggars in the street. And if you extend the range of Catholics chronologically as well, you have Jewish converts in Jerusalem, diasporan Jewish converts in Greece and Rome, Athenians, Romans from all classes, slaveowners and slaves (see Philemon), legionnaires, Franks and other pagans, Celts barely washed from their blue woad. You have the whole range of characters from the middle ages, monks, good and corrupt, nuns, serfs and nobles, crusaders. In the light of that, it is truly an absurdity to identify Catholics any one type of family system, dress, or child rearing system!
    It is really good to remember that the Church extends over the whole world and through time as well.
    Susan Peterson

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    1. Susan says "If one is Catholic and also believes other things strongly, it is tempting to put them all together."

      Exactly. And what I'm implying is that people are many times too lazy to think for themselves and figure out what works for them as far as what a normal and good Catholic life looks like. They rely on others, look for leaders (often times amongst their peers) to tell them what to do, want desperately to "fit it" and then find themselves promoting nonsense like you should only wear long skirts. Or conversely, living a life that is so shiny and suburban and filled with Catholic-y, secular-y stuff that it's hard to see where the good, self-identified orthodox Catholic part is.

      AGAIN, AGAIN, and AGAIN I say: This is not necessarily about about long skirts or rich suburban Catholics. I am not trying to rip on these people. I am simply using these as two simple examples to make a point. I know perfectly wonderful Catholics who do the long skirt thing and the same as it applies to suburban-ish Catholics. I'm using broad strokes to paint my picture.

      So, yes, the tiny stroke picture includes all those people you list off here, Susan. But I don't have contact with those Catholics (wish I did.) I live in middle America in the 21st century where contact is made more on Facebook than it is in a parish. I come from the suburbs and live in a city where getting into the suburbs is goal #1, if a person isn't already a cradle suburban. I have daily contact though a variety of media and real-life situations with folks who want the total package AND want to be the total Catholic at the same time.

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  32. I am a little uncertain about who wore the woad.... Britains, not celts?
    Susan

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  33. I really hated the cover and title of this book, and didn't buy it as I didn't want it laying around the house.... However, I did borrow it from one of my married daughters and read it all and quickly gave it back. I liked some of the essays, but felt that some of the articles advising about how to get the sex you want were annoying. Maybe I'm a prude, though I don't think so. (I do have 6 kids, lol). I rarely watch R rated movies, and fastforward through sex scenes, just not my thing to watch something that I consider intensely private. I hate it when magazines arrive in my house that mention sex on the cover (sometimes even Catholic magazines). So maybe I am a prude. I know this wasn't really the meat of this post, just something that stood out to me.

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